A Tale of Infinite Douchebaggery

When I was in second grade I had a reputation as a freak with serious anger issues. I didn’t know it yet but I was living with an anxiety disorder that was much worse then than it is now. Ultimately, a lot of people hated me without ever actually meeting me, they knew who I was but I had no idea who they were. Archie, as I’m calling him, was one of those people.
I remember once I was waiting in the lunch line and looked over to see this little freak glaring at me. Naturally, I glared back.
I’m not sure if that was first or second grade but my next memory of him was when Mrs. Second Grade Teacher Lady, she had a very big name, moved us to the same table, next to each other. I remember as we walked over we were glaring at each other. Next thing I new we were friends.
Our friendship was real but it was short lasting. It lasted about a week. The next week he just turned back into a total dick.
Obviously I was hurt so what did I do? Oddly, I promise I have no idea why I did this, but I tugged the back collar of his shirt up only about an inch as I walked by during lunch. After lunch I went out to recess, had my fun, and then came in and Mrs. Second Grade Teacher Lady started yelling at me.
“How could you go over and try to strangle Archie?” Mrs. S.G.T.L. started screeching at me.
“What I didn’t strangle anyone!” I tried to defend myself but it didn’t take.
“Come with me, you’re going to the office!”
“What?”
The fifty-four-year-old woman lunged at my wrist, and practically dragged me all the way to the office, which they used like detention until the never present principal let you go back.
Naturally when she made me sit down in front of that horrible she beast working the phones, I had a fit. Next thing I remember they made me sit in the backroom alone. With my anger management skills I had a total panic attack of anger. They made me sit on this stool, which I then threw at the desk and went off screaming. I was like a child from hell.
They must have called in the school counselor, Mrs. School Counselor Lady, because she came in and calmed me down. Next thing I knew the teacher visited us that eventually became my third grade teacher, Mr. Third Grade Teacher Guy. I was especially calm when he came in because I was embarrassed to be in such trouble.
The worst part was that I had no idea what was happening. I think the reason why she believed Archie was because back then I had a tendency to play choke people. They’d be aware of it being a joke but she’d just flip out. I was just being a stupid second grade boy.
Everyone left my room and I heard my class outside taking a bathroom break. The bathrooms were only across the hall and Mrs. Second Grade Teacher Lady stepped in the check in on me. After she left, all I heard was a trombone like from Peanuts. I stepped out the door and saw him. Archie was looking at me like a real child from hell, evil grin and all.
The only appearance Mrs. School Principal Bitch made was walking over to me and telling me that she called my mom because she feels that I should leave school early. Quick lesson on second grade Skyler, missing a single class of school back then was like loosing my mother. I remember being in my mother’s car as we backed away and the wonderful Mrs. School Counselor Lady waving goodbye to be after helping my mom carry me, kicking and screaming, to the car.
Four years later, The entire sixth grade went to a gym for the last day of school. There was a pool and next to the pool was a rack of dumbbells. Archie decided it was a good idea to pick one up and through it at one of my friends heads as she swam in the pool. That’s right, that little stub stub threw a dumbbell at a girl’s head and didn’t miss. We never saw him at school again and I’m happy about that. I did see him two years later at the movie theater with his younger brother by about two years. His brother was about half a foot taller than him. That brightened my day.