The Beard of the She-Beast ©

Allan stared into her deep, beautiful gray eyes that shimmered like the moon in the candlelight. Her eyes were the most beautiful things about her as far as he was concerned but that was probably because of the full beard.
“So,” Gertrude began, “how…many…uh…kidsdoyouwant?”
Allan looked down at his dry, tasteless steak that Gertrude had ordered for him when he couldn’t choose what to get. I’m going to kill Erik for putting me on this date, he thought.
“Well?”
“Um…I donno.”
“I went too far with that question din’ I?” she asked making a squished face.
“Oh no,” he truthfully replied. It was the truth because when she him if he’d ever done it on a first date she had crossed the line farther than anyone ever had before to him.
“So what’s your answer?” she croaked.
“I don’t know.” He replied throwing his palms up.
After a lovely moment of silence, Gertrude’s squawk chimed in, “Do you wanna…um…maybe…gobackto…uh…my apartment?”
As Allan stared into her dark brown beard only one word could escape his lips, “No.”

The beard seemed to burn into his mind, his very fears. That night was his first nightmare in years. As he galloped through a field of lilies, suddenly the sun dropped and was replaced by the moon and there was a beard upon that shining yet bleak moon. Allan screamed and, and not very surprisingly, the moon flung from the sky towards him. There was a cackling screech of, “My many kids do you want?”
Allan jumped up in bed like a clown in a box. He was soaking wet and his head was pounding.
“How can a woman not think to shave a full grown beard growing on her face?” He put up his hand to hold up his head in thought. He looked over at the clock; it was 10:00 AM.
“Dammit! I overslept!” he yelped and ran out of bed. He frantically put on a shirt and socks and attempted to put on his pants while running towards the stairs. Not to be an idiot, he stopped in front of the stairs. He fell forward.
He only fell down a few steps and caught himself. He grabbed his keys and ran out to the car.

“You’re late,” his friend Erik, a tall slightly chunky twenty-two year-old, said as he ate his pancakes, “we waited for twenty minutes before we gave up and ordered.”
“Sorry, I completely forgot to set my clock last night and in my panic started driving to work. I didn’t get a chance to turn around until I was on the other side of town.”
“It’s ten thirty, how late do you sleep?” Erik’s girlfriend Pamela snorted as if ten o’clock was dusk.
After he called over a waitress and made is usual order, he realized his pants were on backwards.
“How do you not notice that?” Lily said. Lily was his younger sister was a petit looking blond with hair that went down to her elbows.
“I’ll be right back,” he said and walked off to the bathroom.
“Is he doing drugs do you think?” Pamela asked, “It kinda seems like it. We should do something.”
“No he’s always done that,” Lily retorted, “I’ve just never understood how.”
After he got back everyone just sat there for a while. That’s when she came in; it was Gertrude.
“Oh my God! Allan!” her beard called out his name, mocking him.
“Oh…high…um…you,” Allan muttered with a fake smile.
Oh...my...God, he has a furckin’ full beard. Damn that things fuller than mine, thought Erik, oh crap he’s gonna kill me for that.
“Who’s this Allan,” Lily asked trying to hold back laughter. She could feel tears coming to her face.
Pamela just sat there, flabbergasted and thought, she has…a full beard and mustache. How the hell?
Allan just sat there paralyzed. “I gotta go now,” he said, only moving his lips.
“You don’t got any food yet,” Gertrude said, her unwelcome hand on his shoulder, “or’d you already eat?”
“I’m not really all that hungry.”
“See yah,” Gertrude said waving her hand in a spidery motion.
“Oh my God, she found me here. Why? Why?” he thought out loud once he’d gotten out the front door.
“Can ah have some money?” came a raspy voice from around the side of the building.
“Who said that?”
“Ah did,” came the voice again and was followed by an unkempt face sticking out from the alleyway.
He walked over and saw a hobo with a beard almost as long as Gertrude’s. He was holding out a pea can with a few nickels in it.
“Here, have a dollar,” Allan said as he pulled a dollar out of his wallet.
“It’s horrible, you know, living in this dark, horrible alley. I have to fight with dogs for food every night. Why do they have to like squirrel so much?
“Um, I donno.”
“Of course you don’t know,” the hobos voice was getting quieter and raspier with every word, “all you have to worry about is that she-beast behind you.”
Allan heart dropped so far he swore he crapped it out right there in his pants.
There she was in all her hairy glory.
“Uh, high, I’m actually leaving right now so um…it was nice seeing you again.”
“Yeah, I just remembered I forgot to give you my number,” her deep voice whispered.
Allan could hear the hobo laughing and said, “I actually don’t have a phone.”
“You don’t have a phone?”
“Nope, no phone. No, not me, too expensive those phones.”
“You can get some for really cheap you know.”
“Well I don’t have one, and I still gotta go so I hope I see you again, bu’buy.”
Allan never saw her reaction and just ran to his car and drove off. He had food at home he could eat instead.
That night he had a dream he was flying above the city with an unnamed woman in his arms.
“Do you wanna fly back to my place?” he asked, not looking at her.
“You bet I do,” came the voice of Gertrude. He looked down and there she was in his arms as he went pummeling down from her immense weight.
He dropped her and flew off. He spotted the restaurant from before and decided to hide in the alley where the hobo was. As he hid behind a garbage can he heard her masculine voice as she called to him at the end of the alley. Suddenly it was dark.
“Allan, I know you’re heeear,” she called as she walked in and was looking around. She went silent and he could hear the rustling of her long 50’s style yellow dress. “Gotcha!” she screeched as she tried to swoop him up into her hairy grasp.
He leaped out just in time and found himself cornered at the end of the alley.
“Dead eeend!” she sang, “ I’ve got you now!” she swooped at him but he was faster. He grabbed her giant beard and, with his super strength, swung her out of his way.
As he ran, unable to fly for no reason, he saw a bus stopped beside the road.
“Tank God you’re here,” he said as the doors opened. He gave out a scream because there, at the wheel, sat Gertrude. *Dingdong* *Dingdong* *ding**ding* *dingdong*

Allan sprang up in bed. He was panty like a dog. It was 7:00 AM. He gave out a grunt and threw his head back onto his pillow.
Who could be at the door?”

Allan grabbed his robe and ran downstairs as the ringing continued on and on.
“Okay, all right! I’m coming already!”
Allan opened the door and found her, or maybe him.
“I brought you a phone, “she held out a landline phone that looked like it was from the eighties, “I got it so we can call each other.”
“How did you find where I live?” he asked absolutely astounded at the horrible turn his life seemed to be taking.
“You’re sister told me,” she responded, “Well let’s plug this bad boy in, huh?” She started shaking the phone as to say, take it but there was no way he would; there was a hair from her beard sitting on the top of it.

The Green Sun ©

There was once a powerful nation built upon a land so dry there was but one tree. It had been said that the tree birthed the entire country but that story has long been forgotten. The tree was deep brown and perfectly smooth like something out of a dream with leaves that shown green all year long and shined like moonlight. At the base of the tree was a large hollow big enough to fit a small person if they squeezed inside. To see this tree was like to gaze upon the very beauty of life itself. Beneath the tree sat a man; the man’s name was Enosh. As Enosh studied the tree, he saw nothing but simple vegetation and ignored its verdure. He sighed and jumped up onto his feet. He swiped the dirt off his old, slightly ripped pants and walked over to tend to the sheep until a thought entered his mind and soon left his lips.
“Why should I herd the sheep for those dirty dogs? What have they ever done for me but feed me disgusting slop and occasionally allow me to walk about?” he mused, “They stole our land, our animals, and my freedom!” As Enosh thought it over he saw him. It was Mr. Lupus Teivel, his feet bombing the ground with orange leaves crunching under his feet as he ran at him with an air of superiority. It was he who had stolen his family’s land and even killed his parents. Teivel and his wife, Lilitu, had come in claiming rights to the land five years to the day. As he reached the last steps before him, Enosh’s heart plummeted down; a feeling Enosh had gotten very used to and barely noticed it was so commonplace.
That evening as Enosh held his bleeding arm, he crafted an idea. The answer was staring him right in the face from the bowl of dirty, raw mystery meat sitting on the floor in front of him.
As Mr. and Mrs. Teivel ate their dinner, food clinging to their hairy faces, he realized that as long as the food kept coming he wouldn’t be noticed. The Teivels were disgusting people. They loved food like most people love gold and never take their eyes off anything edible. As they ordered for more steak and liver, Enosh edged more and more closer to the door after each fetching and, when the opportunity was right, he made for the door. He ran out as fast as his short legs could move him until the cottage was out of sight. The sights were bleak, just dirt and rock as far as his small eyes could see. The tree began to rise far in front of him like a magnificent green sun.
Before him stood the tree in all of its glory, beginning to give birth to the year’s bounty and he wondered why there are no trees that grow from that fruit. He stood there for a moment before he heard the sound of barking dogs and dashed into the hollow of the tree. Knowing the dogs could smell him out he began to panic over his foolishness. They ended outside the tree, too far away to find him.
Enosh waited, trying not to breathe, for what felt like an eternity before he came out from under the tree. Paralyzed, Enosh stood gazing directly at the blood shot eyes, which seemed to be looking straight through him, something that the paranoid boy wasn’t entirely used to. There was Mr. Teivel just ten yards away, his ear twitching from every whistle of a single bird upon the tree. He was staring at the tree as if it were the very essence of evil. And just as beasts will in the face of danger, Lupus ran off, never even having noticed Enosh.
Malevolence seeped from their shriveled souls toward the tree, which gave him an idea. He plucked a single stick from the tree and used his teeth to sharpen it just a little. He left back the way he came; his goal was to win back his home. When he reached the cottage, stick held in the air like a mighty symbol of power, he saw no one. He stepped over the threshold to find Lilitu, she had been even worse than her companion. As he search her tearful eyes of brown for what must have felt like years to her, he recalled those eyes as they pierced his soul and her cruel, insufferable words pierced his skin just the day before. Her words were worse than anything and it was as if a thousand knives to the chest. She winced and cried for forgiveness, she knew her husband would not come to save her. She reminded him that it had been her that convinced her husband to spare the child’s life, his life.
“Show me where Lupus is,” Enosh ordered the sobbing savage.
By his orders, she led him to Mr. Teivel, who hid beneath the bed as soon as he heard his wife’s howling. The cowardly creature promised to give Enosh back the land and home but that was not enough. They had to pay for what they did, each and every day, but as he starred with no mercy into the eyes of the demonic dogs before him and imagined their fates, the stick began to turn. Its magnificent shine began to turn a deathly charcoal; it fell apart into ash within his grasp. As the dogs began to realize their luck, the ash hit the cedar floor and began to miraculously burn and spread like a match to alcohol. As the fire let loose, Enosh managed to escape. The fire broke through the floor and the howling and barking dogs fell, never to kill again.
Even though Enosh lost his home, he was ridden of those beasts. He soon took shelter below the very tree that saved him. From the ashes of his old home grew a tree, which couldn’t be cut down by the evil dogs before it became too powerful for them. Soon there was a forest, which lived forever with the mother tree at its center. It’s said that if you find this forest its beauty alone will give you eternal life but that’s just a story. The real story is the story of the birth of a nation built around a tree with the help of a single person.

A Street Corner Worker Says I Have a Gun? ©

I’ve been the subject of a number of rumors in my schools through the years, Skyler hates short kids, Skyler poohed in the pool, Skyler eats tree bark, but none were as bad as one. It started with a joke by a girl who read vampire erotica at the lunch table. Let’s call her Janine. She was talking about people she hated.
“If I had a hit list that whore would be at the very top!” Janine used over and over again until everyone had finally heard her.
“I’m sure Harold would be at the top of yours Skyler,” chuckled Cynthia. We all thought that to be funny since he was the one who spread the rumor about me hating short people so a new kid would be his friend on not mine.
Since we were all seventh graders and were too stupid to realize how dangerous a joke like that is, I thought it was funny and told a friend. I’m going to call him Leon. Leon thought it was funny and, at the time, had a huge mouth. He claims he told someone who told a certain bastard but I’m confident he’s the one that told Harold. You’d think I’d rename both of them something even worse.
This was gold to Harold since he was a follower of the fake being you might know as Satan. He told everyone he could as quickly as his huge ADHD driven mouth could speak.
The next day was hell. After I put my stuff in my locker and walked over to my friend Eve’s locker. A few of my friends are already there talking.
“Skyler! There’s a rumor swirling about you having a hit list! What the hell?” Leah tried to whisper but was very unsuccessful.
“What? What are you talking about…?” I almost finished what I was saying when out of nowhere came a huge mob of the biggest douche bags and bimbos the school over.
“IS IT TRUE YOU HAVE A HIT LIST?” Carl started yelling.
“IS IT TRUE I’M NUMBER THREE?” Fecalstein, as I liked to call him, started panting.
The very stupidest people North Junior High had to offer were belaboring me with angry, scared questions and I had no clue what was happening.
“What are you talking about? I HAVE NO HIT LIST!” I started yelling, I just wanted them to get lost.
“OH MY GOD HE’S GOT A GUN IN HIS LOCKER! RUN! HE’S GOT A GUN!” Deborah Dipshit started cackling, running up and down the hall.
At that, my friends and I started trying to escape the army of underwear-less, street corner clients and workers.
A few days later it wasn’t getting any better and even the potheads had something to say about it. Enough was enough and Eve and my other friend Hannah took me to see the school counselor at lunch after Harold made his rounds to make fun of my pain.
“Hey Skyler, I hear you got a hit list. What number am I?” He chuckled and then walked on by. What I lovely person, I thought.
At the counselor’s office, after I explained the situation and she then told Eve and Hannah to go back to lunch, there came the usual counselor answer, “What do you think you should say next time you’re confronted with this that will give a better outcome?”
I been dealing with counselor’s asking the, what should you do better next time, question for years but still can never answer it in a way that doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
“I don’t know. Calmly tell hem there’s no hit list and that they have no need to worry?” I answered. I never said I couldn’t answer those questions.
“Yes, or you could just ignore them. If they feel afraid they’ll just come to me and I’ll explain that nothing’s wrong. You only have to tell me,” She calmly said in that school counselor voice as if she truly believed that would actually work and as if people actually all go to her all the time.
“Wouldn’t telling them that it’s not true right away be more…effective?” I was thinking less stupid but wouldn’t say that.
“Just leave it to me,” she said dipping her head slightly to say just that.
As she went on and on about nothing of importance to me at all, I started looking at the clock about every two seconds waiting to leave.
“You’ll get back to lunch before the bell don’t worry,” she tried to convince me. There were five minutes left.
Once she finally let me leave she assured me she’d want to check back with me in a few days. Lovely, I thought, I’m gonna have to do this again.
True to her word I was called in again during the middle of band class. That wasn’t too horrible, it’s Mr. D. Lo. Versus Mrs. Counselor Lady. I never could remember her name.
This time it wasn’t just Mrs. Counselor Lady. No, there was also Mrs. Vice Principal Lady. After the exact same speech as last time, they ask me how I was doing and then I told them there was no difference. That’s when Mrs. VP Lady told me that parents were calling in afraid for their children’s lives. WHAT THE FURK? How was this seriously happening to me? How could such a small, little boy who likes to wrestle with other boys spread such a terrible rumor?
After the speech that came after that, Mrs. VP lady gave me her card with her number for my parents and they sent me back to class.
After a while the rumor did start to go away but never quite died. Even now it’s occasionally mentioned and is always followed by me screaming at the top of my longs that there was never a hit list. And as I write this I realize something, I never did get back at Leon for being such a dumb ass. I’m making that my New Year’s Resolution for this year.

The Dark Knight Trailer 2 - The Office version

I found this video on youtube. It's hilarious [if you watch The Office]. If you don't watch The Office, for one, for shame, and for two, watch it anyway. Do it! Now! It's really funny.

Watch it here at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFSbMUqVwDK

Amy Poehler Confirmed for The Office Non Spin-off "Spin-Off"

Amy Poehler, star of SNL, has confirmed that she will be staring in the new up and coming non-spin off of The Office which is commonly known as The Office spin-off. No other stars have been confirmed but it's easily said that there is much hope for this show with someone as funny as Amy. I'm excited.

Minnesota: Homophobic Hell-Hole?

Yesterday I was reading about same-sex marriage in the U.S. and found out that it's illegal in Minnesota. WTF!! With all of the gay people here you'd think it'd be legal. There at leased 2 working at T.G.I. Fridays. One of whom is the really hott, the host NOT the waiter. Anyway, so Minnesota is now even more of a hell-hole in my eyes than it was before! The only states that allow same-sex marriage are now California and Massachusetts! Massachusetts was the first so they're the best.

Purple = same sex marriages are legal

Green = Unions granting rights similar to marriage

Dark Blue = Unions granting limited/enumerated rights

Light Blue = Foreign same-sex marriages recognized (go to Canada)

Yellow = Statute bans same-sex marriage

Orange = Constitution bans same-sex marriage

Red = Hell (Constitution bans same-sex marriage and other kinds of same-sex unions). Even furggin Wisconsin! Why?

Then there's Canada...100% legal EVERYWHERE in Canada. So, I've desided that I want to move to Canada. I also really want to go to the University of Toronto in like 4 or 5 years.

Heard Not ©

Seen only is the one abused.
Heard not, the words from which amused.
Forfended are the words not fended,
Offended, tellings which may have mended,
That may bring attention to the sin
To the evil and malis of him, within.
With penalty to whom crime was said
And not to whom skin is shed.
The story of the innocent, forsaken
The thoughts and ways of the other, unshaken.
The one of only sword and not of shield
Has stabbed a heart, which never shall be ever healed.
No matter what he shan't wield,
The action shall never be repealed.

The Office Spin-Off

I love The Office. My friend got me into it (she's obssessed with it because she's into John Krasinski [he's okay looking]) and It's now one of my favorite shows. I read online (not on wikipedia!) that NBC has greenlit making a spin-off of the show. My question is how can you have a The Office without Pam, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kelly, Kevin, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, occasional visits from Ryan, Jan, Toby, Michael, or any of the other characters? It's a perfect group of characters. You can't make another show like it and have it just as good. You just can't! That's what she said.